REVIEWS: Thoughts on Films Watched For About an Hour on Cable the Other Week

A GOOD DEAL OF WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II (1993, dir. Robert Klane)
Not since the brutal final half-hour of EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE has the absurdity of existence been placed under such a tragic narrative microscope to be observed, documented, disassembled, and discarded in a pale yellow receptacle for hazardous waste. In this challenging, richly detailed film of concealed motives and spooky voodoo stuff, two crummy lowlifes named Larry and Richard tote around their boss’s dead body in a quest for buried treasure. They also try—very unsuccessfully—to get laid. A lot. For like the entire movie. But then again, don’t we all? Because of a curse, sometimes the dead Bernie dances around when there’s music playing. He joins a conga line and becomes the life of the party, even beating the shit out of some muscle-headed jerk wad. At one point—don’t ask me how—Bernie the corpse has sex on the beach with a squeaky-voiced babe. What does that “say” about “us,” as “people”? While Larry and Richard look worried and botch every attempt at redemption, Bernie succeeds with ease. At long last, something on TV asks real questions, unlike Jeopardy! (which I understand provides the answers first), and myself (who doesn’t talk much anyway, but then again isn’t on TV).

Verdict: TRY AND PLAN TO CATCH IT because honestly, what else is there to do?


THE INTERMINABLE FIRST ACT OF THE FUGITIVE (1993, dir. Andrew Davis)
I watched the first half of this flick from the beginning, which was helpful in figuring out that the bearded lunatic who murders his own wife in the first five minutes is actually Indiana Jones. Naturally, no one would dare put Indy in the slammer, even for such a heinous crime as this. But they do anyway. He kicks Nazi butt on a prison bus and jumps out of the way of a cartoon train. Now he’s on the run, and the white guy from MEN IN BLACK drinks a lot of coffee and chases after him. To make matters worse for poor Indiana, no one will listen to his crazy story about a one-armed attacker trying to cover up a bio-medical conspiracy. Since we last saw him saving Old James Bond’s life with the Holy Grail, Indy must have spent a lot of time in Chinese opium dens cavorting with whores. Not only does he construct ludicrous stories, but he thinks he’s a doctor, and that he can fly. After he “survives” jumping off a dam, he reads documents and gets chased some more. This is when I turned the movie off because I was getting tired of watching ads for Mad Men.

Verdict: SIT ON IT FOR A BIT until it’s time for Women’s Figure Skating